#i know many people vent on tumblr anyway but my brain will always make me feel bad about anything and everything i do lol

[seaofreverie]

Wanted to start working on projects for my part-time school this weekend but instead all I have the energy to do is lay in bed and play mario kart or lay in bed and listen to music

[collectorcookie]

fandom/game vent

tw: csa

Uuugghgggh. Idk why but nothing feels right lately.

On one hand, the enstars fixation died down A LOT. Great for my bank account tbh, i don't wanna spend another cent on gacha games. My brain is free🎉🎉🎉

And rather than feeling this pressure of "omg i must grind new events and get new cards" or "omg there are so many event stories i missed out on" or "i must grind every single new song on all difficulty levels for dia" i just. Don't do that anymore lol. I actually just play the songs whenever i actually feel like playing any and i read only the stories that actually interest me. Which definitely aren't a lot tbh. (still waiting on that knights climax tl) but yeah i'm basically reading 0 stuff from engstars.

So if you wanna break free from a gacha game sucking your soul, I think the reason why the enstars fixation died down so much for me is a combination of

burning myself out trying to get cards

getting bluetooth headphones (which basically make it impossible to play the game with headphones)

turning the BP game notification off

Engstars TLs getting worse than fan TLs

Obviously i still have basic but since i can't read japanese, i can't stress myself over reading new stories because i can't read anything at all. Yaaaay. I have evolved into a casual player.

Now. On the other hand. The new fixation. My beloved wizards. Mahoyaku.

I'm gonna be so honest, i kinda hate it here.

Don't get me wrong, i love the game, i love the story, i love the characters. But the fans. The fans man.

Like with enstars fandom, i started out with tumblr, and sure, i had to occasionally block some people and filter out some stuff, but that was it. That was enough for me to be able to chill and actually be comfortable in the enstars fandom space on tumblr.

Now, there are basically no mhyk fans on tumblr. Ok fine. Guess i'll go on twitter instead. So i made a twt account.

I truly cannot explain to you how much i should not have done that.

Like, ok, LOTS MORE fanart which is great. Fantastic. Lovely. However, a lot of proshippers. Many many proshippers. Like i do not have that much experience in fandom spaces in the first place but i swear the amount of proshippers is disproportionately large in mhyk fandom, on twt at least.

Ok another warning for talk about csa if you somehow didn't catch the one above

I think it's obvious from my blog here alone how much i like northfam, especially Snow and White. To be so honest, Snow and White were the biggest hesitation for me to NOT get into mhyk because we all know the "child looking character is actually over 2000 y.o." is NEVER handled well in fiction. Well, i ended up reading mhyk anyways, and to my relief, s&w's child forms do not get sexualized ever. Thank god.

But like mentioned before, this is not the case for the fandom. Not only do i always end up finding people shipping s&w together, but also many other of my faves, like oz and arthur (foster father and son) or mitile and figaro (student and teacher). Which i do not want to see ever, and the thing with twt is, you can't tag and filter stuff like on here. And even after being on twt for...idk how many months, i STILL end up seeing stuff i would like to stay 4869761093 lightyears away from.

I've been trying to do everything, from blocking to muting words to clicking the three dots on each individual post i don't want to see for the "please don't show me stuff like this". AND IT STILL HAPPENS.

Idk man...as a csa survivor myself it feels so hopeless...like is it really worth it here if i'll just keep finding stuff that triggers me? Is it worth meeting new people and constantly being on edge if this new fan thinks being proship is ok?

I really did like making fanart for fandom purposes, it made me draw a lot more, but between my dying interest in enstars and mhyk fandom thinking the stuff that has and will put me in therapy for decades is hot. I don't feel like interacting with fandom that much anymore ngl....and that makes me genuinely sad. Idk maybe this is a depressive episode that will go away but i feel so tired for now....hobbies are supposed to be fun....

[gwydionae]

Ok, serious question for One Piece fans.

Here's the TL;DR:

I'm at Fishman Island in the anime. I know lots of future spoilers for WCI and Wano. I love pre-time skip Sanji and WCI Sanji. I hate Fishman Island Sanji. The question is, as a Sanji fan, how much disappointment should I prepare for in Punk Hazard/Dressrosa/etc until WCI? Is he going to stay this obnoxious until then?

And here's the rather long explanation rant because sometimes you just gotta vent:

I started reading the manga, like, 20 years ago, but I dropped it during the Fishman Island arc. There were many reasons for this (some unrelated to OP entirely), but a big one was Sanji. He had always been my favorite character, and while there had been moments pre-time skip that I didn't love (see: Clear Clear Fruit and it's improper uses), I found he became downright insufferable after it. I don't have to love everything about a character for them to be my favorite, but FI pushed me past my limit.

I have since skimmed through Whole Cake Island and bits of Wano due to seeing spoilers that made me believe that may have changed over time, and I did really like the parts that I read. Well, most of them, anyway (see: invisibility and it's improper uses, Sanji). So between that and hype over the live action version, I went back and started watching the anime for the first time.

I am once again in the early goings of Fishman Island, and I am STRUGGLING. Every time Sanji is on screen my brain is warring between remembering what I like about his character and what I'm seeing play out currently. He used to be overly fond and protective of woman, to the point that his inability to fight them hindered the crew. Now he's an active pervert drooling in the face of every pretty woman who is hindering the crew simply by bleeding to death at the sight of any woman including his own crewmates. Had this happened, like, once, MAYBE twice, ok, it's a dumb gag, but whatever. But it's not a one off gag. It just keeps going, to the point where it doesn't feel like a gag anymore so much as an actual character trait. It's like his flaws (which can make for interesting character drama, like his inability to physically harm Kalifa) are now his core personality, and everything I liked about him isn't even there anymore. Heck, part of his training was to learn to cook foods to help his crew, and he hasn't even cooked anything yet, and he was separated from his crew for two years!

(Ugh, don't mind me, just unearthing feelings buried real deep a decade ago. ANYWAY)

I know he gets better. He'll never feel quite like his pre-time skip (especially pre-Thriller Bark) self again, but I know that WCI adds in some really interesting layers to his character, and while Wano still has his perviness turned up a bit higher than I'd prefer, there's real depth to his character to keep him from sinking back into the one note gag that is Fishman Island. He will get growth. He will go back to being an enjoyable and rounded character one day.

I just really need to know exactly how long I have to wait for that to happen.

Sanji is (obviously) not the only thing I like about One Piece. I like nearly all of the Straw Hats, I've gotten attached to more than a few side characters over time, and the fact that it's so long and hasn't (to my knowledge) felt like a mad scramble of retcons is highly impressive.

But here on good old tumblr, I expect people to understand about the blorbos. They're different. They're special. And feeling like I wish one of them would finally succumb to death by nosebleed is, to put it mildly, not ideal.

And thus the question at hand. Because if I have to put up with this Sanji all the way until WCI, I might just scream. But at least if I have the warning ahead of time, I'll know to expect it rather than fruitlessly hoping he gets better before then.

Just give it to me straight, doc. How bad is it?

(The one thing I know of him between now and WCI is that his mind/soul/?? gets stuck in Nami's body - not sure for how long or what all he... does... in there, though. So please spoil that for me. I do not want that kind of surprise.)

[angeldiaries777]

Blog potentially being deleted

I want to delete my tumblr I’m bored of it I feel like posting on here just gives me more incentive to complain and waste more of my life on the internet which I didn’t even think was fucking possible because I’ve literally been online for as long as I can remember and even when I do logout or delete the app I always just end up redownloading it to vent

I’ve been Locked out of twitter since like 2022 and making new socials just seems stupid atp cuz like I don’t rlly wanna interact with strangers anymore I never really did tbh even on the internet I’ve never had like online friends or anything but i somehow always ended up in fights and drama cuz of my lit opinions and mentally ill brain also I was just a stupid 14 year old kid being cancelled like every 3-5 business days because I was edgy. Like I was being bullied at school everyday (that’s not true everyone was actually pretty nice to me cuz im actually cool and not a loser) and I’d come home and spill that anger on the internet. Take a shot everytime I type internet DONT. Please don’t. Anyway My point before my adhd took over was I’m still really sick and def need to just not be on here.

I thought my existence on the internet was healthy now cuz I generally keep to myself and just reblog a quote every now and then but looking at all this healing content and stuff instead of actually healing is getting old.

I know I’ve made so many improvements the past few months even weeks alone yet I still feel so unbelievably depressed and I was lashing out at myself for never feeling happy and really just blaming myself for being mentally I’ll instead of accepting it.

Lots of people said things about me that either hurt me or were untrue and that only made me want to hide even more than I already did and my safe spaces got boring and dark and just everything is just this frustrating web of thoughts and I just want to be happy for once but even if I don’t neglect myself and do what I’m supposed to do I still don’t think I’ll escape depression. My only options at this point are medication and more therapy which both sound like nightmares

Don’t really have any others resources atm

Just even going to therapy made me feel worse the more I went and my anxiety took over so I just stopped going

As for medication there’s just so many logistics around it it’s been jarring to even consider it as an option for so long

[brolantra]

This is me just venting. Don’t mind me.. but I miss Brandyn man.

He deleted his tumblr so I think I can speak freely, use my blog the way I always have.. but I didn’t want him to do that lol. He’s one of the only people I know in real life who even knows this blog exists. I liked the idea of him keeping up with my blog. I’ve known him since I was like 2 years old, we have this super extensive history and have seen each other in so many different stages of our lives. The connection he and I have is very rare.. and strange.. but undeniable fr. We went years without talking, like from 2018 til last year.. there wasn’t any beef we were just both always in a relationship and just living separate lives. But a certain series of events pulled us back and it was like no time had passed.. he pulled up on me one night and the chemistry was so natural it scared me.. then I was bombarded with the truth of how I felt about him. I denied it for so long… not because it didn’t matter, but because it matters too much. And the idea of going down that path, things going left & losing a lifelong friendship terrifies me. I didn’t want to make anything complicated for him or myself. But I have. I know I have. I tried talking to this other guy and when that fell through my feelings for Brandyn just.. got louder. I really won’t even mad it didn’t work out with the other guy cuz he’s not who I really wanted anyway lol. But I was upset because Brandyn asked me to hang out while I was talking to Tylor and I turned him down cuz I was tryna be fair. Stick by my choice. Move with integrity… then he went back to his ex. They both did actually 🤣😭 I’ve never really believed in right person wrong time. I’ve always kinda thought, if something misses me then it’s just not for me. But I’m in love with this nigga forreal I can’t lie… I can’t undo it… and I can’t ignore it. He’s not perfect but he definitely deserves better than the girl he’s been dating. I love him from the most genuine place, and I want him to be happy whether that includes me or not. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I wish it were me. My brain be preoccupied with a lot of shit. My purpose.. the things I’ve been put on this planet to accomplish.. I had gotten into the habit of giving thanks for the day as soon as I open my eyes. Recently, I think about him before I even give thanks for the new day. Idk what’s gonna happen.. but I know there’s something for me here.. to learn.. to grow.. to heal.. I know if the assignment was over I’d be able to let it go cuz that’s just how I operate. The fact that I can’t is very telling.

[hauntedthoughtz]

I stay alive for my loved ones atm not for me. That makes me sad and frustrated. Sad bc I’m not living for myself, frustrated that I’m stuck on this earth with no escape. I think the universe gave me the gift of so many loved ones in friends, family and pets bc I they keep me alive. But sometimes it gets so bad it’s hard to even live for that. Some days I’m grateful to be alive but when I’m depressed I can’t remember the feeling of ever being happy and vice versa. Some people make me feel so stupid for feeling this way and that I should be grateful for my life all the time but I’m sorry I’m just not. I wish people could feel my pain just for a few seconds to understand how it feels inside. But also I wish no one ever felt the way I do as I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I know people would be sad if I wasn’t here but I also just feel like a waste of space and think they would be better off without me. I know me not being here would transfer pain to them instead so I stay alive but sometimes I think the pain and worry I cause others by just being me is surely worse. Idk.

When I was a kid I’d just wish on those dandelions that I was happy. I’m 29 and I’ve felt this way since I was conscious at 4 years old. Plagued by existence. I don’t understand this place honestly. I’ve worked so hard through therapy and learning all the ways to better myself yet I still feel this. I can’t even remember the good times any more.

In fact my brain is literally just deleting so many memory’s good and bad. Long term and short term. I don’t understand what’s happening to me but I think maybe my brain is just deleting or hiding shit just so I forget and can live another day.

My therapist literally quit me 😭 waiting to get counselling with someone else. I know I felt like I was on a life high just last week and that the world was my oyster but that’s a distant memory now.

I’m glad I’m sober now or else I’d probably be in hospital rn but raw dogging life is hard and resisting the urges to just fucking end it all with a load of pills is so fucking shitty. How am I failing so badly at being a human. People are saying my demasking process with autism can cause this but fuck me im nearly 30 is it always going to be like this?

Il never be able to have children if I feel like this bc it’s not fair on them. Or worse I could pass it on to them. I’m finding no joy in life and my middle name is literally JOY. So fucking ironic.

Anyways I couldn’t burden my friends or family with this as I feel bad causing them pain and I’ve had ppl in the past just say I talk about it too much but like it’s all I know I’m trying to process it. But whatever il just vent into the tumblr void and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Tomorrow is a new day and who knows what the tide will bring… 🌊

[nidailylife]

8.13.2023. I feel like i keep venting too much on my main blog, forgetting i have this sideblog.

My main blog is supposed to be about fandom stuff. ...Unfortunately, a lot of my meltdowns and mental crisises are about famdom stuff. (I dont have too much else in my life. Too much social anxiety.) I must be scaring people on my fandom blog. No wonder even some of my favorite arists blocked me. 😥

Maybe i just need to get back to journaling offline. But it can be a hassel to boot up my computer. And once i turn it on, i often forget to turn it off. It's going to wear out too soon. Sometimes it's just easier to write on Tumblr. It's been so much more dependable than other apps I've tried in the past. Apps that lost everything when my phone died. Like all those notes i took of my symptoms when the pandemic first started. I wish i could still reference those. So many habit trackers that just got bugs and messed up my notes too. Tumblr is just more reliable. And it's not like I'm followed by non-bots anyway (except for maybe like 2 or 4 people). Maybe i should just have a private Tumblr for my journalling and venting. But i never remember the passwords for private sideblogs. And writing my hand is unsustainable for me. There's always too much i want to write and not enough stamina in my hands.

Anyway, i got really annoyed over a fictional character, almost for the entirity of yesterday. I dont want to delete my ranting posts, because those are important personal fandom records for me. But it's also pretty ridiculous, embarassing, and unnecessarily hostile. But you cant Archive tag search private posts. So i went back and hid all my ranting posts under cuts. I just hope leaving my rants posted publically doesn't make me the infamous crazy fangirl they talk about behind my back or on other platforms. ...But it's alwaysba possibikity because I AM a crazy fangirl.

I just feel so stuck as an artist, when all i want to draw and make merch for is my OTP...but Ive probably destroyed my reputation in the fandom. I can't be confident about opening an online shop or selling stickers or especially networking and advertising my art/merch, when i know the fandom i make art for, probably hates me, ON TOP of my illustration skills being objectively bad. But "small business artist" is my only career/financial option right now. And I'm destroying it by expressing my fandom.

The other day, someone poated a list of things to do to have a good reputation online, for small business artists, or maybe it was for people in general. One point was to not post opinions about anything (especially political). I'm a human being. Is that really possible to do?

I keep thinking about rebranding, separating my past fangirl self from my art business. But i hit a wall when i realized almost all my art is attached to my fandoms. Even if i changed my online name brand, it'd be too easy to anyone to find my art also on my art blog or fangirling blog, then realize i eas that crazy fangirl with a ruined reputation. How can i feel confident, sinking hundreds of dillars, making merch out of my fanart, and then advertising it to the corresponding fandom communities, when even a rebrand may not save me. I used to be so hopeful that a rebrand could free me from all my worries. But if you need to advertise your art, it's too easy to use that very art to track my old identity. I really feel trapped and stuck, and unable to move.

...But i guess that's usual with my frequently catastrophizing brain. I still dont know what to do tho. Im still too afraid to open that online shop or advertise my merch.

I think about rebranding to only my original art, cut ties with fandom when it comes to my small art business. But I've watched too many marketing vids to know that not piggybacking off a preexisting community, is the opposite of smart. ...but ive ruined my rep with them...i think...

Just feeling trapped. Paralyzed. Too afraid.

And journalling on Tumblr. Tho even that is stressing me out, in a way, too, i guess.

[softrozene]

Thank you for reblogging that "on anon hate" piece. 🥺 It's something I'm scared of and I know that's silly 😅 and uh can you share how you get over anon hate? I could use any advice and thanks if you answer I hope your back feels better!!!!!!

Warnings: Dealing with anon hate and slight mention of mental illness/su*cide.

Of course, Hon, and thank you! It also is not silly at all! I used to have that fear on my old blog, and it did end up happening (as it does time from time here) so I can give you tips and whatnot.

First, let me address the problem that I have been seeing while I have been lurking. These past few days I have noticed an increase in anon hate or anon asks that try to pass off being good, but you can tell they are just condescending. It hurts to see that especially in the One Piece fandom where I have seen nothing but support aside from the occasional anon that gets unruly- But when that happens we all come together to defend that writer. That is what a good fandom is.

So, these few bad anons are trying to stir something up and it does work unfortunately and that is something I can’t stand. Especially when they go to blogs and harassing the writer in THAT writer’s safe space. Like hot damn, they are shitty people to do that.

These Past Few Days:

Of course, in one of the instances, I saw these past few days one of the “bad anon” was purely miscommunication and they apologized to that writer since. The other bad anon to a different writer was purely a total jerk since they were able to successfully hurt the writer mentally.

The anon function is meant for a lot of good things such as shy people, people wanting to give constructive criticism, those who do not want their blogs to be known by many people, people who get overwhelmed, people who want to spread love without it being a big deal (even though it is. Your hearts are big for that and everyone loves you for that pure intention).

The anon function is not meant for hate- That is abusing the anon function.

I, personally, use the anon function for my mutuals when I get anxiety when requesting something or just wanting to tell them how much they mean to me- When people use the anon function for that, such as their anxiety/they are just shy and whatnot I see them as hella brave for doing so. In this case, you are brave <3

HOWEVER- When people decide to use the anon function to send hate: That is literally the lowest thing you can do in not only my eyes but other people. You are sending hate knowing that it may not trace back to you. So, congrats if you do this- You are a coward.

As for whatever reason, someone wants to send hate, in the cases, I saw recently it was because the writers were wanting to open up to more fandoms. Fuck those anons who made the writers change their minds. It is not the anon’s blog- It is the writer’s. They are allowed to do whatever the hell they want without anyone’s permission. It is their safe space.

If you as an anon- Feel so obligated to send a writer or any other person your opinion on their blog saying you do not like something they wrote, you don’t care for this or that, or in your eyes, they are taking too long on your request, and you spam them with hurtful words ON THEIR BLOG, NOT YOURS- I really hope you can find peace one day because that ain’t it chief.

How fucking dare you try to hurt someone in their own safe space.

Those who have sent hate:

I genuinely hope you find a better thing to do with your life. I hope your words do not affect the person they reached. I have not a clue why anyone sends hate and it still bothers me today that they do but if you have any bit of empathy think of not just the person who you send hate to but the people that love them.

You could be the last thing that makes them go over a dark edge.

You have no idea what the person you send hate to is going through.

That person you sent hate to can have mental illnesses that makes them think whatever you say is true and seriously you are the biggest asshole on the planet if you wanted that to happen.

That person can be suicidal. (Of course, to some jerks who believe others will not act because of something on the internet, they have things outside in their real lives that make them feel that way. Your words can just be a breaking point.)

They could be clinging onto a shred of a will to live- Do not be that jerk that ruins it. Karma does bite back.

Words do hurt others and no matter how silly you may think it is- Words do have an impact.

Let me say that again because there are jerks who don’t believe that: You may think it is silly, but words do have an impact.

Now for the question, this lovely anon asked- How do you deal with anon hate?

Anon hate is going to happen, unfortunately- Especially to those who do not deserve it at all, and I despise that so much.

Personally, for me, it honestly still bothers me from time to time, but I have grown to get past it with multiple methods, so I hope these help.

Report and block them.

This is the top recommendation that I suggest. I have been sticking to this one without mercy for this blog and it has worked wonders. Anons who send hate are trying to get a reaction out of you so the easiest thing to get them to knock it off and move on with their lives is to report them for harassing you and blocking them. You can block anon asks by the three dots (I believe it’s been a while lol).

Bad anons thrive on attention. Just do not give a reaction and they will stop eventually.

Laugh it off

My actual first anon hate on this blog made me laugh so hard because they told me to off myself, but they misspelled it terribly. Yeah, it stung but it was more funny than hurtful to me. So if their message are hurtful remember that these people are abusing the anon function- A cowardly act and that makes it even funnier since they don’t want to deal with any consequences based on their behavior. In other words: They are childish.

If they are relentless then that usually means they are obsessed with you which is not healthy. (Lowkey recommend they see a therapist.)

Just call them out on having a crush on you and if they continue to harass you- Most likely denying it as hateful anons do, then you can safely say that yes, they have a crush on you (I used to do this on an old blog and when I tell ya it gets them mad lol)- This method works to just laughing it off so eventually you can grow to ignore them.

If you absolutely have to answer it- Tag your friends/mutuals or make sure they can see it so they can defend you. They are your support system

In this fandom- I always see so much support when it comes to getting hate so I know that it will happen. I can’t vouch for other fandoms/places of tumblr though.

Take the option to be on anon on your blog away- They go quiet really fast

Seriously- If it is bothering you please just take the anon function away until you feel comfortable enough to allow anons back on. You may feel sad for the good anons but they will understand why you did so. After this, please seek your support system if you need to vent about that bad anon.

My favorite other option that you can do while mixing it with these other options is to continue being you out of spite. Show them that no one can change you.

For my fellow sensitive people: Our subconscious minds think everything is true. It will hear or see one thing and it has no filter so it will go: Oh yeah- That is 100% correct- Even whatever you just read from the anon. For those who get hurt by anon hate and have a mental illness like me- I also suggest trying to rewire your brain with positive affirmations so it will be easier to realize that whatever the anon says is not true at all. It may take a while or may not be for everyone but it can help.

Overall?

It sucks but the best thing to do is to ignore, block, and continue on with your day spreading love and knowing you are a good person compared to them.

Maybe one day they can learn to love themselves and stop hating others (if the bad anon claim they do love themselves and can continue to be that way that just means they are extremely toxic and narcissistic and definitely will not switch their away around any time soon) but in the meantime be the bigger person than them (or have badass friends who don’t care and will fight to the death for you- For legal reasons that is a joke).

You have many options but just know that anon hate does not set your whole mood. That they may get off on sending hate but that is what their whole hobby is. While yours can be sending love- Your whole world does not consist of being on tumblr. It may be a safe space for you but remember you can also start anew if you need to. Do not let some silly hateful anon ruin your mood or make you afraid to go online. Do not give them that power.

Now on a much happier ending note, remember that these bad anons do not care about you if they are sending hate. However, there are people who go out of their way to tell you that they adore your content/your blog. They care and I think it is beautiful that they show it and come together to help others when needed.

This turned into an essay oops (1712 words yo)- Anyway, I hope that this helps you anon and I hope that it helps anyone else who may come across it. No matter what just remember you are loved.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Forgive me, I’m here to vent again.

Things have seemed a little better, at least I’m starting to brush myself off a bit and split my losses. In the coming days after the break up, I felt very unspecial. I felt moldy inside and grey, like something was pulled out of me. I felt gross and used up. I guess that in a very specific way I was made into something special or pretty, someone who had perfect strength and vulnerability, that I was some unique form of beautiful that he alone had discovered and learned to interact with. I was very open to him in a way I hadn’t been with other people. And losing that closeness is difficult for me still.

I’m trying to remember who I was before him, and here and again as spring emerges and I walk around town after work or watch the streets as the bus takes me where I am going, I find myself flowing more with what’s around me, or seeing more into it. I don’t feel as separated from myself. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

Not that I ever wasn’t me, but my focus at one time didn’t even acknowledge his existence. I was my own in a way that I had given partial custody to him after we got together. I realize that though not having anyone to look forward to or talk to is a bit of a drag, I was so used to the ebbs and flows of being disappointed that to a degree I was building up resentfulness and bitter personality traits around the prospects that there was no way out of this situation and I would never find anything in it. I had to hold my tongue more than I should have. I lived in fear of him walking away from me, and low and behold, he did it anyway.

I’m still hurt and I still love him. What gets me are the small memories of elements that are so distinctly him, little worlds that could only ever exist between him and I in songs and places and times that seem out of place, things I will always be haunted by but unable to recreate. There is a vibe to hanging out in a permanent midnight at 7-11 or Plaid Pantry at 2am. Or the way his tone of skin matched with his glasses, his beard, with his long hair around his face, his black eyes and sarcasm, the distinct way his hands felt, the way he walked and engaged with strangers, his skinny legs, just the overall way he approached everyone good or bad. I know it very very well.

I could text him but it wouldn’t make any of the old feelings come back. What we had is broken and I did the best I could to try to talk about that. If he really cared he would apologize and it’s for the best that he doesn’t care that much, or more likely he has this element of pride that will prevent him from admitting any indignity. He’s willing to lose friends over some petty stuff.

I know this is dumb but I can’t help but know that he’s going to miss me for a lot longer, years after all this. I have a way of pushing forward and he has been winding down for some time. He doesn’t have as much to look forward to. I imagine he will have some last ditch relationships that won’t last long in the course of the next few years and then he will have to live with what he’s done to his body (he drank a lot and now he’s losing feeling in his fingers and feet from permanent nerve damage). And I won’t be there. Which when you think about it that way, I get sadder for him. I wish he had been just a bit more forward thinking and connected to himself more. I don’t think he deserves that, but it’s what he’s going to get and he won’t do anything differently.

He’s going to be out one night in some bar and remember that he loved me and that he was dumb and told me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I told him in a passive aggressive way that I wanted him to want to see me more and I felt like this had become enormously one sided. Someday nobody is going to want to see him. I don’t think it will change much but I know it’s going to happen.

It’s fine. With what I lost I guess there is quite a bit to gain. It’s just giving up that identity or that certainty. And 2020 was a year when I really really felt lost and he was there. We went to the protests together, we suffered the intense wildfire smoke, we talked every night for so long, that I struggled to sleep without talking to him at least for a few minutes. 2019 was a year of secrets and intimacy and being exhilarated and 2020 was a year where him and I stuck it out and actually got to know each other. When he got a new job though, he like, deleted the friendship with me. I don’t know why, but maybe he met someone new. He started referring to me as a distant friend, and a fuck buddy and then he just stopped referring to me at all. I tried to message him, I told him I needed to talk. He wouldn’t do it. He would ignore those messages, or call me emo. He was warm and friendly at times and sometimes seemed invested like nothing was wrong but it seemed like he just pulled away overall. But he wouldn’t acknowledge it or tell me why. So I sat and stewed and felt abandoned all winter.

Then he started talking to his ex again who I am well acquainted with, who doesn’t know that he was with me afterwards. She still had a thing for him and wasn’t mentally stable. If she could have handled it I would have let her know. She’d sorta moved on, but you know how things like that go. They hadn’t ever not been friends but it felt like he was trying to rekindle something. And I didn’t like that. So I pushed him away, I backtracked all that openness I had had. I was a little humiliated and enraged, I got mad and started preparing an emotional escape. Between being pushed away and having to compete with his ex, I felt better off leaving the situation behind entirely. And I think for me, even though I tried to keep things going, it just died there. That was like a month or two ago now.

When I approached him about not making time to hang out with me in the way I had done for him, or wanting me to invest in him, calling me his girlfriend sometimes but not really wanting to be a boyfriend or acknowledge it at other times, I said I felt used and it wasn’t fair. And that made him tell me he never wanted to talk to me again. It hurt but whatever. It was such a cowardly response. Such a fuck you to every good thing that was worth it in our friendship. He threw me away because I brought up something that made him uncomfortable and he would rather just pretend I didn’t exist than give me any real answer. That was its own cold answer in and of itself I guess. But at least at the end of it he actually said something. I got so used to being half ghosted. At least he just ended it, cowardly or no.

A part of me is afraid though that this will happen to me again. I really really didn’t like losing this relationship. It was the dearest thing to me and letting go didn’t and won’t kill me, but I don’t know how much more of that kind of desolate disillusionment and misery I want to flower my life with. I guess there are only so many things a person can control or know about someone else before becoming invested emotionally.

I’m actually doing better than I thought I would, and I can only see this getting easier. It’s actually easier for me to wake up early, eat well, exercise, and plan my day. Those were hard when we were together, it was either a blissful fog or a heavy dreadful fog, but there was always a brain fog in everything I did with little moments of clarity when we were close. I do well on my own. I’m stronger than him and am capable of making certain kinds of progress that he’s not as disciplined in doing.

I’m almost freaked out about how chill it’s been since, considering how devastated it made me. I was in shock. I guess it’s just that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can put this chapter in my life behind me for better or worse. I don’t anticipate his existence in my life too much. I still notice when he is online. I can feel him thinking about me a little, which I know that’s weird. It makes me feel a little vulnerable and sad and a little part of me wishes he would just reach out because he does want me back, but I absolutely cannot put myself in that situation again. Even if I want it, it’s like my body wouldn’t listen. It’s not the side I’m focusing on or listening to but I have dumb naive little feelings at times. He regrets his decision but he isn’t going to step outside of himself to correct it. And if he does I am not interested in hearing him out. He had so many opportunities to talk, so many.

Okay, I’m done using tumblr as an emotional sounding board. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[ltleflrt]

Hi! So i've been reading your fics for years, and just recently started following you on tumblr. You're great! And I was wondering if you possibly had any advice for someone trying to get through writing a large fic? I've just recently gotten back into writing, and what I thought would be a quick write has mutated into several chapters and feels a bit daunting. Even if you could just point me in a direction would be appreciated!

Hello!  Welcome to my messy corner of this hellsite(affectionate)!  Please don’t mind the stacks of reblogs, I promise I’m working on organizing them ;D

Getting back into writing is exciting news!  Taking breaks is supposedly good for the muse, but it’s not as fun as writing that’s for sure lol

It’s hard to give general advice without knowing what you’re struggling with specifically, but I can give you a rundown of my process.  It’s as messy as my blog because it’s something that just happens to me.  I suffer from longficitis and I’m ALWAYS surprised when I manage to write something quick and short.  The first fic I ever wrote was supposed to be a 1200 word one shot, and 2 months later was 78k, so uhhhhh.... oops? XD

Anyway!  I don’t plan shit, and I always think my stories are going to be short.  I am the very definition of a Pantser.  I write a little scene, and then I think “huh, I could expand on that”, rinse repeat.  This means I often write myself into corners, or into mysterious fogs that hide the future plot from me.  So at this point I whine.  Whining is VERY IMPORTANT.  It vents the frustration while also making me lay out what I’ve done so far and what I want to do and the options to get from here to there.  That’s a conversation I’m able to have without the whining component, but honestly the venting that comes with whining is cathartic and I wouldn’t give it up for anything.  Shoutout to @jupiterjames and @bendingsignpost for putting up with me when I get like this lol

And that brings me to the most important part of writing longfics (or writing in general, really).  Finding people you can talk it out with.  Someone you can bounce ideas off of, who can also be like “oh but you know what else you can do?” (because it’s not like I don't’ have a million plot bunnies breeding in my brain already, I must adopt those my friends offer me as well).  Now I know I make that sound simple, but it’s not.  Finding someone whose muse gets along with yours can take a while.  In the meantime though, find yourself a writing group.  Right now the writing group I like to work with is in the Profound Bond server’s writer cafe channel.  There’s always folks in there who will help me find the right word, help me rephrase a sentence I’m stuck on, encourage me, and talk out fic ideas with.  Sometimes I end up DMing someone and we chat it out privately.  And they’re WONDERFUL cheerleaders.  Sometimes it’s fun to just go in there and see if anyone wants to do a writing sprint, and see how many words can happen in the next 15 minutes.  You can find more info about them @profoundnet. 

Lets see, what else...?

Schedule writing times.  I write 1 hour a day, but not always all at once.  Sometimes it’s 15 minutes here, 30 minutes there, sometimes I manage to do it all in one sitting.  But I try to do it around the same time every day so I can get in the mindset for it.

Track your words.  It’s FUN and encouraging.  Don’t look at low wordcounts as a failure, ever.  Every number is a good number, because they all mean progress.

Keep notes of ideas about the story. It doesn’t have to be an outline, it can be messy and unorganized, just make sure it’s written down where you can find it.  Revisit the notes file whenever you’re in the mood to be creative, but not in the mood to make words happen.

Don’t be afraid to drop plot points if you feel like you can’t fit them in.  You might be able to use them somewhere else, either later in the story or in a whole different story.  Your favorite plot ideas will be better served in the right story that fits them, rather than forcing them to fit into a story that is wrong for them.

Try not to let the word count intimidate you.  Even after all the 100k+ fics I’ve written, I still look at my stories at the beginning and think “oh gods what have I gotten myself into?” and that could easily discourage me or anyone.  Just keep writing, you’ll get there eventually.

Some people like to write the exciting scenes first and then fill in the spaces.  Some people like to use the exciting scenes as their carrot on the stick to keep them chugging along.  I’m in the latter group.  Figure out which one works for you, and use it as a motivational tool.

Feel free to skip scenes you’re stuck on!  You can always come back to it later.  Heck, you might even figure out a way to skip it altogether and streamline the story.  Or by writing what comes after, you’ll figure out what kept you stuck on the skipped scene and now you’ve got your solution.  Longfics never need to be written in order.  (I mean, I usually write them that way, but I think I’m kind of an exception to that?  I dunno, we’re all different, and that’s neat!)

Anyway, I don’t know if any of this is new or exciting advice, but I hope it helps.  Good luck, friend!

[cometoceantrenches]

2021 has come...

So it’s already the New Years here. I’m sorry if this message is kinda late— we had a midnight feast and I drank so I was a little tipsy for a while lmao

ANYWAYS

I’ve been here on tumblr for quite a while, five years (well six now it’s a new year) but only recently started to really interact with people. I came back onto tumblr, having no idea what it would be like. Had the views changed? What do people talk about now? 

Despite becoming active in the later months, I've never been so grateful to have met so many amazing people. 2020 sucked, I'm not gonna lie, but you've all made it better! Thank you so much for welcoming me and giving me a chance to interact with you all and become your friend/mutual. 

Hopefully, we can look forward to a better new year and hope that things will turn around in 2021. I'm not really good with words, but I want you all to know that I love you all and I'm so thankful to have y'all as my friends 💕💕🥺🥺

I’m not good with words but here’s what i wanna say to each of my moots:

@n-a-r-t​  Hey rocky! First of all, thank you so much for being my first moot here on tumblr. I think you were my only friend then (wow it sounds so pathetic hbsjnks) but yes. I’m really grateful for meeting you. Also, I’m sorry I’m not answering snapchat- i deleted it cos it was taking up too much space :’))) Hopefully we can still talk <3 

@tackygloo​ Hey Aura/Maddy! Even tho we don’t talk as much, I’ve always looked forward to our conversations with each other. I’m so glad we were able to get to know each other more and discover each others’ interests outside of RDR. Thanks for introducing me to Dreamcatcher by the way, my life as a Kpop stan has been different since. Ily! 

@seacottons​ Since Mei, is my sister I guess that makes you my mom? LMAO- anyways, I’m super grateful to have met you even though it was late into the year. Your words have really encouraged me not to write but to get back to drawing as well. Speaking of which, your talent in both is really astounding. I’m so glad you’re so open in sharing and encouraging others. I really look up to you with that ;^; Keep doing you! 

@galaxteez​​ ASH!! I’m not gonna lie, the first time i interacted with you I was kind of intimidated, especially with the layout BSHJks. Even though our first interaction was about thirsting over Jongho thighs, I’m glad to be able to talk to you in comfort, that your blog is a safe space. It really makes me feel at ease because at least I know I have someone I can talk to. I love youooouuuu!!

@little-precious-baby​  MEI! My sister!!! Thank you so much for helping me get adopted into your family ;^; You have such a big heart- especially when you drop in to check on everyone. You’re so precious to me even though we’ve met late in 2020. I hope we can become closer. I love you wholesome-kitten, I meant, my sister! <3 

@artha-amberose​ HELLOOOOOO! I’m so glad you stumbled upon that one post about me finding mutuals. Even though we’ve just met recently, I’m in love with your ocs. I’m still a little lost and catching up in the lore, BUT YOU HAVE SUCH BIG BRAIN with making all those up- especially with the world building. I’m so glad you were so open with sharing, it made me feel at ease to talk to you. Looking forward to more talks and sharing with you! 

@masterninjacow​  WHIEEEE HUSNA!! Even tho we’ve talked for a bit this past week, I can already tell you have a big heart. I was kind of intimidated by you at first, I’m sorry uhbsinjs ;^;, but I’m so glad that you messaged me first cos I probably wouldn’t have worked up the courage to talk to you sHNJsk I hope you have a good year! I’m looking forward to be able to talk to you more!

@saksukei​ HEYYYY!! I just realized- i never asked for you name sgubhnijss ;^; Anyways, thank you so much for being open and welcoming. I’m usually very hesitant and shy to approach people online but you’ve helped change that mindset with how welcoming you were. You’re so freaking creative and I LOVE the way you write. Hopefully we can interact more in the future. And please, help me stan Seventeen SKSKSK 😂😂

@aixy-hpsa​​ RYU! I’m so glad you yeeted into my inbox and taunted me with that Jongho gif or else I wouldn’t have been able to torment you back and become friends with you. You’re so cute and kind, I smile whenever we talk to each other. I hope we can talk more in the future! ILY!! 

@neo-shitty​​ Hello ate toffee! EHEHEHEH Sana masarap handaan niyo po ngayon. But I just want to say thank you, for messaging me first (at least I think you did LMAO) kasi nahiya ako nung una na kausapin kita. Pero nagpapasalamat ako na na-meet kita dito. Sana mas magkaroon tayo ng mga interaction sa labas ng kpop (kung okay lang sa yo yan ehheheh). Keep writing! ILY ATE!! <3

And to my anons: nonnie,  🍹🦕 anon, and  🔥💫 anon. Even though our first interactions were, I guess dirty hbsnjmks, I hope you know that I’m open to talk about anything. Whether you wanna vent or just talk about the most random stuff, I’m here to listen <3 

To everyone else, I hope you know that I appreciate you! My blog is a safe space for you all and I hope we can talk with each other and get to know each other more. Happy new years! Manifesting 2021 will be a good one!

[lunatens]

ult group(s) tag

tagged by @allegxdly ty storm!! any excuse to talk about my faves is v nice + also reading yours was so interesting and fun!! ehehe apologies in advance if this is super long (i’ll put it under a cut maybe)

gonna tag @ggulovebot @elcie-chxn @cha-lan @uriboogyu @kthpurplesyou @changnuggie of course only if you guys want to, no pressure !! 💖💖 also i’m so sorry if you’ve already done this 🥴

ult group: svt (but i’m also gonna do skz bc why not)

who was your first bias?

svt: minghao!!

skz: felix!!

who is your bias now?

svt: joshuaaaa (but they’re all bias wreckers tbh)

skz: hyunjin hehe

what was the first mv you watched by them?

svt: clap!! i actually first saw it on i think college kids react to kpop? lol i had just started getting into bts/kpop in general + i listened to svt but hadn’t really looked into them more, then i saw the mv and thought it was super cool (but i still wasn’t really a carat til like early 2019)

skz: i remember listening to i am not when it came out but i don’t think i watched the district 9 mv....i wanna say the first mv i watched was i am you!

what’s your favourite mv?

svt: i’m in love with the home;run mv omg i love all the aesthetics and the storytelling ugh it’s so good. but i’m also a really big fan of the pinwheel mv, because it’s just so pretty and soft and makes me feel all warm n fuzzy inside yk? oh wait but also oh my!!!!!!!! and fallin flower skjdbflsdfbsk okay i cannot choose sorry

skz: can i choose maknae on top lmao it’s so cute eheh ok but for real hm i love the side effects mv bc i just really remember when it came out and i watched it a lot! or maybe backdoor bc it’s just fun :>

if you could only listen to one of their songs for the rest of your life, which would it be?

svt: ummm rocket !!!!! because it’s my favourite svt song and i don’t think i could ever get sick of it, plus it always puts me in a good mood like u just can’t be sad while listening to rocket it’s just impossible

skz: probably blueprint!! it’s just such a pretty song i don’t wanna live without it 🥺

who would you want to see them collab with?

svt: bruno mars just bc woozi wants it so bad and i would just rlly love thst for him ok

skz: hm this is a tricky one.. idk why but doja cat is in my head right now?? i only really know a couple songs lmao but i feel like that could be fun!!

what (mv) concept do you want to see them do?

svt: hm i think a like ~elegant~ concept would be really fun!! like i’m kinda thinking blood sweat & tears vibes yk?? like all fancy and artsy and over the top idk i just wanna see something pretty lol i guess similar to fallin flower hehe

skz: fANTASYYY AAAH pls i would love if they did some sort of fantasy concept i feel like it would suit them really well (i mean they’ve already done stuff with like swords and stuff i guess that’s close enough) but like just full on fantasy plsss aaah

have you ever had a dream with any of the members in it?

svt: actually quite a few ??? thank u @ my brain for blessing me with these dreams hehe but yeah too many to talk about, a lot of them involve joshua though and usually it’s just super random stuff (twice i’ve dreamt about joshua + a zombie apocalypse what does it mean)

skz: i think i’ve only dreamt about skz once!! but we were spies on some sort of secret mission in a super fancy hi tech futuristic school and we had to sneak in through the vents and stuff it was really fun !!

if you could spend the day with one member, who would it be and what would you do?

svt: mmmm a surprise to absolutely no one at all lmao i would 100% spend the day with shua!! first of all he speaks english lol but that aside i mean i love him and idk i think we’d get along well 😌😌 hm id probably wanna like go to a beach or something with him!!! and mostly just hang out i think?? probably eat some yummy food, maybe play like mario kart or something together idk!!

skz: aaa this is a hard one !!! i think probably felix though! i just think it’d be super fun to hang out with him and we’re kinda similar hehe so it would be fun!! i’d definitely wanna play board games/video games with him, maybe idk go to a park or something idk i’m bad at thinking of this stuff lol

which member do you think you’d get on with the best?

svt: i mean i do think i’d get along with shua really well lol, and maybe chan too hehe but also hoshi!!! idk we’d get up to some chaos together tho 😼😼 plus oddly enough like the majority of the most important people in my life are geminis and i apparently get along really well with them so 👀

skz: i’m gonna say felix again like idk man i could just see me and lix being besties ya feel ???

which member do you think you’d argue with?

svt: this is really hard because i don’t really argue with anyone lol i’m pretty chill...maybe chan lmao but like in a fun way if that makes sense ?? because i don’t think i’d argue with any of them for real

skz: again i really don’t argue much, but out of all of them probably the most likely would be jisung? even though i actually think we’d get along super well (i considered mentioning him in the previous question lol) but i think i only really argue with people in comfortable with and ik it would just be fun hehe. also to my knowledge jisung is pretty messy?? i think?? don’t ask where i’m getting that from i could be wrong lol but i’m really eat and organized so i’d fight him on that if we for some reason lived together

if you had to let one member scroll through your tumblr, who would it be?

svt: AAAA can i choose death instead LOL okay but for real maybe hoshi ?? i feel like we could laugh about things together and he wouldn’t be super weirded out or anything

skz: i think chan...yeah definitely chan i mean he has a tumble account anyways right?? yeah i just don’t think he’d be judgemental or anything lol 😌

anyways that was super fun!! if anyone actually read this wow that’s some dedication hehe it’s just me talking forever about my fave boys lol so ty if u made it though <3

[testicularmanslaughtrr]

I kind of just want to...babble so pardon me I don’t really want to *talk* ironically given the subject matter I just want to confess myself and here seems like a good place for it so forgive me

Dunno why I’m apologzing, I know it’s my tumblr just a force of habit

My emotions have been so strange lately. It was weird having to tell my new...prescriber... counselor person that it’s hard to officially say my “mood” because I’m never in one constant state. One second I’m as close to fine as I can actively describe The next I am a sobbing panicking mess on the floor And another 5 seconds later I either feel nothing or I am laughing and having a good time. It’s a whirlwind and it’s confusing and honestly it has been making me very self conscious.

I suppose that goes hand in hand with many of my other fears and laments.

Lately I have felt very lonely. A feeling I haven’t deemed...allowed since I have somewhat isolated myself. The fear of being seen as a hypocrite is very real. I don’t want to be in a groupchat right now, not even one I created because it just made that lonely and unwanted feeling all the more unbearable. There’s no worse feeling than being miserable at a party, and that was the vibe. Surrounded by people I do ultimately like but Either my brain says it’s not the right interaction and or I just Want to leave the party. There’s other reasons sure, but I don’t want to think about that.

There’s this pit, this desire for interaction that I can’t fulfill and it’s troubling. I want to talk about my problems, I’ve been openly criticized about opening up but...Professional help so limited and among those I care about I don’t feel I have a place for that. I’m an overwhelming presence.  I know this about myself, as much as people may try and soothe those anxieties I know I am. I have many many deep rooted issues I need to sort out, I am drowned nearly every day in my misery and my paranoia. None of these are easy to deal with Even less so to help carry. All those I trust with my more fragile tendencies are also those who suffer greatly. People I’ve promised I wouldn’t overburden with my struggles, people who I don’t *want* to constantly have to lean on People who have already told me they can’t handle my weight I don’t blame any of them for this, I blame myself mainly. No one should have to suffer my pain with me. Say what you want about “support groups” but How am I supposed to not feel guilty when I share my pain and have to see the tired look on someone’s face or hear their awkward silence when they don’t know how to respond?  “I have a support system that helps take care of me. you should try it sometime.” Lately those words have been burned into my brain and I can’t unsee them and it’s torture  As if that is really a luxury I have. I have never truly felt like I have had people able to take care of me. Possibly cruel to say but who in their right mind is equipped to take care of a mess like this? Such a volatile and...just truly stupid creature? I know I know, you shouldn’t say awful things about yourself it just solidifies it etc but Many honestly agree with me I’m not smart, I’m not wise, I’m... A Lot And i hate being a lot. I hate being this. I hate being unbalanced and stupid and impulsive Yet scared and panicked so often. I’m terrified I want to die I’m so afraid people are going to leave me I want to convince everyone to cut their losses and live their lives without me I’m so desperate lately from scraps of affection from certain people And at the same time I want to convince them why I’m unlovable and why I am not worth their time The duality of mental illness I suppose ha Last night was...so hard.

All of the last 24 hours has been so hard. My partner collapsed again, second technically third time in about 3 years? He acts like it was nothing, I shouldn’t worry I still sobbed hysterically and was terrified all night about losing him. My mind flooded with visions of his funeral What I would have to do without him Practically seething at him that he wasn’t worried Because to him he just blacked out and then was back It’s fine right?? He feels fine afterwards! I sobbingly wailed at him that he doesnt have to see his eyes go strange, the color and life leave his face, to see his body slump so heavily as he *stops breathing* He doesn’t understand when he comes to why I am prying his mouth open desperate to get air in him, why I’m sobbing and clinging at him to not leave me. He’s okay, he assures me We need to schedule him a doctor’s appointment Which falls on me to do the work, the research, the calls It always falls on me Appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping etc etc etc It falls on me, the household burdens and I feel my back shudder The weight wanting to snap my spine and crush me beneath it I’m so fucking tired I’m so tired of being scared and angry and sad I either want to cry every second or I can’t make myself feel anything I know a lot of this is a chemical imbalance...but environmental factors certainly play a crucial role.

On top of that And realizing my best friend has moved which I am happ for my brain just hates being happy My father also once again drunk texted me thus leading me down the rabbit hole of both resenting my parents and feeling the shame of being an awful son. We’re really just a family of awful people. Ha It’s genetic I’m so tired I want to be happy, but also I don’t think I do? At the very least I’m not allowed. I’m afraid to be happy. I know what I want but I’m in no place to seek any of it. Fuck ups don’t have any room to ask for happiness. I have many things to say. To spit. But I must keep everything neatly folded. On top of that the fear of being happy and then ruining it Shattering it  Very very real. At least at rock bottom I feel like it can’t get worse If things get good, I’m terrified. I will still strive to be better, keep pushing forward But gods I am so afraid of the future.

My this is Very long and unfocused If you did read this I am so sorry  But thank you for letting me vent Something about a public diary is comforting Anyways I have a sandwich I have been neglecting to spew all of this 

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[cyanisbirdmom666]

AGH I need to ✨vent✨

Most of the stuff said below the cut will be about stress, religion (Christianity), betrayal, frustration, and sadness. So yeah if you don’t wanna read about it just keep scrolling. I just wanna tell someone (in this case, Tumblr) because I don’t know who else to tell. My brother’s over it already, and Melon

Also most of the stuff down there won’t make sense since I’m not feeling great (honestly I’m mostly confused) so read at your own risk.

[context] I’m a religious girl. I go to church, read the Bible, pray and PRAISE JESUS HALLELUJAH. But I’m also very lonely. I have a few friends and they’re all from church. I have two best friends. I’ll introduce you to them, using their nicknames for privacy reasons. I’ll start with the Pastor’s family. My Pastor’s name is Ramen, and he has two daughters, Melon and Safari. Melon is my best friend. The Pine family has three kids, Beanstalk, Zuko, and Suki. Suki is my best friend, Beanstalk and Zuko are my brother, Sokka, best friends. The Doctor’s family has only one kid, Marlin. He and Zuko are BFFS. Inseparable. We all work together at church. Suki, Melon, and I work with the cameras- we’re the camerawomen that record videos for our church’s YT channel. Ramen’s mom in Cuba watches our videos, people in Mexico also watch them- there’s even a woman in Germany who watches them! Safari, Beanstalk, and Zuko handle the techy stuff. Audio, Ramen’s microphone, powerpoints, and the editing of the videos we record. Sokka’s job is just to make us laugh, and Marlin is there for support. We make a great team. And I have a feeling Beanstalk and Safari like eachother- they’re always together and Beanstalk have Safari a bouquet of flowers to her on Valentine’s Day. Is that part important? Probably not but I added it anyway. Let’s move on.

Sometimes Ramen comes over to my house to talk to my parents. It’s not often but it’s happened before. Usually talk about adult-church stuff (ie. planning activities, money, or just to talk) that I don’t care about. My great grandma died recently (she was also very religious, she had a great relationship with God. I miss her) so I assumed Ramen came over to talk to my dad about that (comfort I suppose).

I don’t mind when he comes over, because he always brings his daughters, Safari and Melon. We all hang out in my room and watch movies or do homework together. It’s fun. But yesterday, Wednesday May 12th, was different.

After Ramen talks to my parents, he usually leaves. But this time, he called my brother and I over to tell us some sad news. My dense brain was thinking this was about my late grandma.

It wasn’t.

We sit down and he says that he has bad news. The Pine family called him yesterday (Tuesday, May 11th) to tell him that they weren’t going to attend our church anymore, and that their decision is final. They don’t want to meet up with Ramen. And that must hurt Ramen since... the Pine family and Ramen’s family had been together for years. Melon and Suki grew up together in Cuba (I’m the newer, American friend who teaches them about pop culture because oh boy, Melon is a clueless bean. We met a year ago.). Beanstalk and Zuko are like the sons Ramen never had, and Safari and Melon are like sisters to Suki- the point is, that they were really close. For the Pine family to just... cut it off like that is super strange. Yam and Er (the Pine children’s parents) were always so friendly and nice- heck, they were the ones that invited our family to church! They’re the reason we got out of our Mormon church and started to attend this Christian one (much happier here, I have- well had, friends)!

For a second I thought it was a joke.

It was so unbelievable. Er and Yam didn’t even explain why they were going to leave after so many years. They have the right to leave... but it was so sudden. It felt like betrayal I guess. It still feels that way. They said that they had been thinking of leaving, for months now. I don’t know what we did wrong. What if I did something wrong? What if I made Suki mad and that’s what caused them to finally make their decision? Was it all a lie? If they were thinking of leaving for months now, was everything they did and said a lie? Why?

I only ever see Melon and Suki when we go to church or have activities. We had a lot of plans for over the summer. We were even planning on saving up enough money so that the whole church could have a DisneyWorld activity. “But Cyan, can’t you just do it anyway, even if they don’t attend church anymore?” I mean we could, but it’ll feel different. Off. Even today, when we texted eachother, it seemed off. Fake I suppose. It didn’t feel the same. It’s hard to explain why.

Them leaving is like losing them forever. Sure, Suki and I might still see eachother, but it won’t be as often. And eventually we’ll drift away. I lost half of my friends. The church lost 60% of the boy population (we’re down to two oh noooo). And Melon lost her childhood best friend.

This has happened before. See, before my family joined, Ramen was preaching at a different church. Everyone got along until there was a stupid argument between Ramen and another pastor. The other Pastor was jealous of Ramen’s popularity and finally snapped when Ramen bought food for an old dude going to church there. Apparently Ramen isn’t supposed to feed hungry old men. They didn’t let Ramen preach there anymore, and basically kicked him out. Melon and Suki had a friend at that church, named Lime. And yeah, the three would occasionally meet up but eventually, they drifted apart because Suki and Melon weren’t going to Lime’s church anymore.

And I’m afraid the same thing is happening here with the Pine family.

Everything was going so smoothly. We were making summer plans. Zuko and I were getting along really well (Erm.. I sorta like him. A lot), and Safari and Beanstalk kept getting closer. Suki and Sokka FINALLY finished their teasing war. It was perfect. But I guess perfection can’t last forever. I had honestly thought that even though the world was ending, and we were all dying (persecution, I believe it will happen, if you don’t that’s fine but don’t argue with me about it, I gave you a warning up there) I thought we’d always be together. The Pine family, Ramen’s family, and my family. Even if the other member left or drifted away, I really thought we’d always stick together.

But I guess it didn’t work out that way.

And I still don’t know why it didn’t work out that way.

So not only is that happening, but tomorrow I’m taking a big AP test that I’m definitely not prepared for. I’m cramming but I, very scared and stressed and I just wanna skip over to Summertime.

But that’s not how things work so RIP me.

🪦 Cyan Sushi, 2??? - 2021

No I’m not actually dead. But I feel like I am and will be dead soon so yeah. Piano and birds are the only things keeping me sane.

[dear-yandere]

—ask collection!

a collection of mostly very old chats and sweet asks that i never got around to answering! thanks for the patience and love!! 

beware, fairly long post... woops....

chat asks.

darling: Eu-jin is best boy. Change my mind.

vanya: i am physically incapable of fulfilling that request, how dare you do that to me... i’m biased since he’s my own oc, but i would die for my (very best) boy eu-jin... who can resist such a gentle yandere that loves you so whole-heartedly?

that reminds me! he’s actually based off of kuroyuki and gekkamaru from the otome nightshade, so if you want similar characters by any chance, do check them and the game out ♡

darling: I was watching the dub for Part 5 of JoJo's Bizarre adventure yesterday...Mista called himself Daddy and I like- sdfghjfgsdhnhnmj!! My heart can't take this--

vanya: WAIT HE DID???? i’m not even big on daddy kink and reading that made me go 😳 this is vital information to know... what episode was this??? for research purposes, of course. gotta perfect my yan! mista, after all~...

darling: for yandere songs, have you heard of the major to minor covers by chase holfelder :O? the way he delivers the lyrics in some songs (betty, all i want for christmas), added with the key changes to minor, is really fantastic, and gives a stalker-ish vibe imo! and he's a really good singer in general

vanya: i have!! a good chunk of them are actually on my personal yandere playlist, so i end up hearing them frequently when i’m writing!! i haven’t been keeping up with his uploads recently, so ‘betty’ is completely new to me and just, wow???????????? this man is an absolute god send for us “romantic” horror fans... ♡

this ask gave me such a lovely idea, though, darling: assigning yandere types/mbti based off each of chase’s minor key covers. i think i’ll do that just for you. ♡

darling @blossomiich​: I reread some of your old character interaction asks and saw the one with Jotaro hugging his Darling after a panic attack and the elephant seal plush reminded me of the iconic C H O N K Y ringed seal plushie that was kinda trending and I can totally imagine Jotaro having one of those >w< that's so adorable!

vanya: i honestly don’t remember that interaction, but then again i don’t remember most things hmghng so i looked it up and

j...just imagine star plat hogging it and not letting joot cuddle with it 🥺 the duality of man...thank you for this cute image...

darling: Umm, sorry for asking this. I'm just curious because of your bio language in your header. Are you Chinese too, perhaps?

vanya: no worries!! i’m mixed guyanese (indian, chinese, & possibly black and/or portuguese), but my family only celebrates (or rather, acknowledges?) our indian descent, since the majority of our family is predominantly east indian. 

my header is actually a quote from a danmei novel (and one of my all-time favorite fandoms), tiān guān cì fú (heaven’s official blessing)!

darling genki stan anon: Omg you're writing for free now, i didn't expect that one lol. It's a cute show innit? Not a nagi stan but I feel like nagisa has that kinda unsnapped personality that would make him peak delusional yandere material lolol like oikawa but less threatening and without his head being up his own ass 😂. Hope you're doing well!! -gsa

Gdjsjs im such a fool, i think my last ask said something about not thinking you'd write for free when i literally just pointed out kisumi on your sideblog LMAO my bad 😅 😂 also ill hold back on the gen chan requests because ive already asked so many in the past! Thank you though 🥺. Also feel free not to post this, it can just dip into my onesided chats with my lil flower 💐 so long as you receive them im fine 😌 -genki stan anon

vanya: nagisa isn’t my favorite (kisumi is), but gods if he wouldn’t make a great yandere. honestly, out of the iwatobi boys, nagi is probably the most unhinged. i wouldn’t peg him as delusional, at least not at first; i think he’s very lucid and knows exactly what he wants and how to manipulate people in order to get it!!! kisumi is fairly similar now that i think about it... i might... have a type...

please feel free to send in gen-chan requests whenever you want!!!! i’m kinda super asocial, so it’ll take me a while to answer, but i love getting asks from you since you’re so sweet and excitable!!! your little flower reads and cherishes them all!! 🥺

also darling genki stan anon: Sorry for spamming you with asks hdjkdks, u dont even need to reply im just kinda brain empty venting here whether you recieve them or not 😂 i just needed to confess that while yes i am #1 gen simp, and he is undoubtedly my fave oc of yours but that Ilya tentacle smut had me very much so highkey kinda 👀, had to re read the genki oral style drabble to bring my head back. He dont even need to worry about luca bc that man a thot. I think therin is a thot too but like lowkey, a classy thót -gsa

vanya: omg i’ve kept this one for forever mnmghngh i might’ve even answered at some other point, now that i think about it... but i just 🥺 gosh i hope i find my muse soon, because i really wanna write you a genki fic 🥺 hhhh

the ilya tentacle smut was so in character for that boy... i have no clue how to write monsters, much less tentacles, but i’d honestly do anything for him 🙏 kinky russian boy...

therin is definitely a classy thot, the kind that only bangs the finest concubines then turns around and slut shames you for banging the very same prostitutes gbfmngnfg rules don’t apply to him, in his kingdom...wish that were me tbh ✊😔

sweet asks.

darling one: i've read almost all of your dazai and chuuya fics and i love them so much!! your formatting is also super aesthetic just a question, i saw on your kofi that you also draw so i was wondering if you drew all the header arts?? bc they're all super pretty :) have a great day!

darling two: Just wanted to say love the writing and the way your format your posts is so aesthetically pleasing. One day I hope my posts looks half as good as yours because I legit can't get over how pretty and organized it looks.

vanya: omg thank you so much!!!! one of my bffs, yue, is to thank for the formatting and aesthetic choices, really! if you wanna see more of her aesthetic formats and posts, she actually runs a few blogs! you may know her as @milkscafe​, formally @milkaaton! i adore her and her aes choices so much 🥺

as for the headers, i don’t draw 99.98% of them! i have drawn a couple, but they’re so few and far in between since i almost never finish my art wips haha... my older posts are lacking proper credits because i’m an absolute idiot, but i’m slowly working my way backwards to credit them all where possible! they’re all indeed super pretty!!!

have a great day yourself, my love!!

darling: THEY’RE NOT BAD CONTENT, I LOVE THEM ALL

vanya: this was in response to a now-deleted lil blurb but i kept it in my inbox because i wanted to say i love u very much and seeing this ask each time i open my inbox makes my heart skip a beat ♡

darling: Listen I love your writing, you inspired me to start it myself! I've always loved to write, and read of course but your style and concepts just stick with me. If you where to write something besides Yandere content/fandom content and started your own series? I would read the shit, out of it. I'm always nervous to interact with my favorite writers because you know, I'm afraid of the impression I'd leave but I just wanted to say this anyway! 💞💞💞🔫😳

vanya: wowowow fgfnmgnfmngfg that’s such a high compliment my brain just gmfnbgmnf go boom fogjfngnfg and thank you for the interaction, us writers truly appreciate it no matter how awkward or nervous you think you may be / come off!!!

darling one: As a writer, your post struck a nerve with me. I don’t send feedback to writers I like nearly as much as I should (and certainly not as much as I’d like in return as a writer). So, as such, I’m going to start doing that when I can, starting with you.

You are an incredible writer. You were one of the first yandere writing blogs I found and you’re still one I check in on regularly to see what you have been working on. You can portray a sense of suspense and intrigue in a natural way that many other writers - published ones included - struggle with. You delve into the darkness without it feeling forced, and you have an amazing grasp on the psyches of the characters you write for (which is a quality I adore in writing and strive toward myself).

I’m not great at ending these things so I guess.. you keep doing you? Because the you is great and I appreciate it.

darling two:  hey. i'm here to tell you that from the bottom of my heart i love you and your writings. i really admire your writing skills. you inspire me. one of your posts once saved me from a nervous breakdown. thank you for everything you do. you're a wonderful person. good luck!

darling three: I wanted to tell you that thank you for writing such wonderful beautiful writings and that you take time to edit and write I hope you are taking care of yourself 💖❤

darling four: Thanks. I was having a hard time and deleted all my apps, but as soon as i opened my phone my first instinct was to look at your blog and i got my motivation back. Thanks (:

darling five: Hi ! I just wanted to say I really enjoy the stories you write and how they are detailed so well ! Stay safe and I hope you have a good day/night ! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

vanya: ahhhh, these are very old asks mostly dating back to my “tumblr writing community is dying” post, and i’ve kept them this entire time because i’m just so starstruck. i have no clue how to reply to compliments, so i’m not sure what else to say besides that these asks made me very happy and got me through a few insecure moments!!! i’ve actually been feeling a little down about my writing recently, mostly because of lack of motivation / inspiration, so revisiting these really warmed my heart, so thank you truly ♡ i’m certainly keeping the originals in my inbox until the end of time!!

darling @monstrously-obsessed: psst, this local cryptic mom thing send all of their love for you 💕

vanya: your local herbo says she loves you very much momster 🥺 mwah

also, to the anon worried about my safety:

thank you so much for pointing that out!!! it hadn’t even crossed my mind when i made those ocs, so i appreciate your concern! i was contemplating revamping those two as is, so this is a great place to start! thank you again!!